I think in the USA I could convince myself that I was
something. I could fake it pretty well.
I only had to clean my house when company was coming over
because no one pops in unannounced.
I could plan dinner on my way home –buy frozen meatballs or
a jar of tomato sauce.
I could take my child to every specialist “just to make
sure.”
I could find babysitters so I could go shopping alone or see
a friend.
But here, God has brought me to a beautiful place of
emptiness. For several months, that
emptiness was nearly despair as I slowly let go of trying to make things
happen, be a good mom and wife, get things done, keep the house that I want
others to see, keep the ministries afloat, be in control of something…
Just in time for Josh’s month long absence (between multiple trips to various regions of Uganda and culminating with a two-week trip to another continent),
God filled me with an understanding that I am and have nothing to offer. And it’s BEAUTIFUL! God wants my best, but,
in a world out of my control, I know that I am secure in my relationship with
the ONE who is in control.
Do you want peace?
Do you want comfort?
Do you want joy?
Stop trying to gain it yourself. You will fail.
God brought me to this lovely place of complete humiliation,
complete emptiness, the end of myself and then gave me some tests. Little tests while Josh was out of country.
Tests that brought me joy. Tests
that he used to show me that HE is great!
The power has been out for… weeks… I lost count!
Our water filter stopped working.
I broke my right thumb.
My computer stopped working (it miraculously revived when
Josh got home!).
The car got a flat.
The children got sick (never something we take lightly
here).
God challenged me to live more sacrificially and tested my
willingness to take in a child for emergency medical foster care – I found
myself willing, much to my delight, as I single-parented my five lively
children. This is Africa, so the medical foster care didn’t
happen, but instead, I got the greater joy of helping to equip our Ugandan
staff to care for this child.
Gulu has been out of… well, pretty much everything you might
want to purchase… cooking gas, petrol, cheese, meat, yogurt...
But, when I’m empty of myself, I am not fearing these challenges. I am not surprised by these challenges. I am not rocked. In fact, these challenges are kinda fun!
When I’m full of myself, I cannot control the way things
happen here. I cannot hide behind the
predictability of the North American lifestyle.
I cannot pretend that I’m on top of things by buying a quick meal and fresh
flowers. When I think I’m something in
and of myself, those things can drive me crazy.
Instead, I rejoice that I can be a broken empty vessel,
filled to overflowing with God’s grace, used as an instrument in my redeemer’s
hands to minister to the broken.
Where is the end of yourself? What journey will God have you
travel to reach the point of emptiness so that you can be filled with much
greater joy, peace, and grace?
On a related note - Disability and the Gospel: How God uses our brokenness to display his grace.
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